This is a common question, and one that many people sincerely ask.
I can’t blame people for asking. When my romantic attraction to women finally broke through the layers of self-deception I had carefully constructed, I made a firm decision that I would only date men.
This is what I wanted for myself, what I believed, and what would afford me the life I wanted to live. It was an easy choice. This life would be free of problems with the church, with family, with my career, and with my own views about scripture.
My decision lead to getting serious about dating men. I ignored my interest in women, starved it out as best I could, and fostered my interest in men. As I went on dates, I felt relieved that I wasn’t gay. I thought about how hard it must be for those who are, having no choice to date in a way that’s acceptable. So I understand why people would wonder why someone like me would ever come out.
But knowing what I know now, I’m embarrassed I ever thought about it this way.
It’s Not About Celibacy, It’s About Integrity
Usually, the discussion about same-sex relationships is about gay people and not bisexual people. In fact, most people call it gay marriage and not same-sex marriage. Questions center on whether celibacy should be required of people who can’t have a healthy opposite-sex relationships. Often people ask whether in a fallen world we need to make accommodations for those who can’t marry someone of the opposite sex.
None of this applies to me or other bisexual people. Within this framework, the whole reason for coming out is an inability to be attracted to the opposite sex. So coming out as bisexual doesn’t make sense.
One problem with this approach is that only heterosexual and gay orientations count. There is no space for those of us in the middle of the spectrum. Bisexuality is erased.
But I am in the middle, along with many others. So if you want to understand why I came out, it’s best to understand that my nature was bringing up a different question. Instead of asking, is lifelong celibacy the best choice? I asked, is love between women holy? Is it good?
Study, prayer, and soul searching brought me to confidently declare my answer—yes. Love between women and between men is holy. It is sacred, beautiful, and life-giving. Love in the face of rejection, hate, and fear is a reflection of the character of God. Choosing love over security is Christlike.
I did not come out because I had no other path to a relationships. I came out because I had no other path to integrity.
Many gay people come out for the same reason. That reason is often misunderstood as selfish when it’s really about integrity. In fact, if you find yourself wondering why a bisexual would come out at all, it might be an indication that you are prone to misunderstanding this key fact.
Many of us come out because we are morally opposed to the idea that LGBT sexuality and gender is sinful. In other words, we believe non-affirming churches are sinning in teaching destructive and false theology.
Pastoring with Integrity
Initially, understanding God’s affirmation of LGBT sexuality didn’t change my personal decision to date only men. As strange as it seems now, that’s how complete my decision was.
Essentially that meant thinking of myself as straight, at least publicly. Even from that mindset, I began to see that the nature of my ministry as a pastor must change. If I was going to fully support LGBT people, it would change the nature of my ministry. I would be fully inclusive, teaching queer people to accept God’s affirmation of their sexuality and gender despite the shame from churches and society.
Even if I were straight, this theological shift would have meant total disagreement with teachings of the Seventh-day Adventist church. Ministering as an affirming pastor would have meant losing my job just as surely as coming out did. There have in fact been many straight pastors who have lost their jobs for coming out as allies of the LGBT community.
Being Straight has its Advantages, But I Don’t Want Them
At some point, it began to dawn on me that if God had no condemnation of same-sex relationships, what right did I have to avoid them? How could I hold myself back from something for my own convenience and let the judgment fall on others?
Hiding my sexuality in order to hold on to the advantages of being straight began to feel like a thoroughly unChristian thing to do. It’s the opposite of Christ’s incarnation. In the incarnation Christ rejected status in order to identify with the suffering. For far too long, I refused suffering in order to keep the status and advantages of being perceived as straight.
There was a moment that really clarified this for me. I was at my church, meeting with the team before the service started, and wondering how people would react if they knew in that moment who I was. Suddenly I realized, I’m supposed to be the queer person in this room. I’m supposed to bring the uniqueness of that experience into my ministry.
That was the dawn of an understanding that has only grown. I’m a much better pastor and minister now that I’m out. I am who I’m supposed to be, and I have so much to offer because of my sexual orientation and because I am offering myself as I truly am and not as some people want me to be.
Sexuality Cannot Be Divided
Unexpectedly, accepting and affirming my theology has given me a seemingly endless sense of joy. I’ve become whole. I’ve learned that choosing to only date men was damaging to me in ways I never understood.
Before accepting my sexuality, I wasn’t a happy person. When I accepted and affirmed myself and my way of loving, the sky seemed bluer, the future was brighter, and I found in myself an inner sense of peace and joyful strength.
Why was that? The Adventist church takes a holistic approach to health and spirituality. Only now do I understand that the theology I once believed was dividing me in ways that were profound and destructive. Calling the good parts of yourself evil inevitably leads to depression. Saying that same-sex sex is wrong is ultimately no different than saying that the way a gay or bisexual person loves is inherently evil. Particularly as a bisexual person, I harmed myself by calling part of my sexuality sinful and the other holy. It’s a divided way to live, and we are meant to be whole.
I only understood this through living it. I wasn’t looking for joy, but I found it nonetheless. It is one of the many good gifts God has given me.
One of my favorite gifts is this: That God gave me eyes to see not only the beauty of love between a man and a woman, but also of love between women. I’m forever grateful that I finally had the courage to reach out and take hold of that gift.